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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28636800">there's a star that comforts you (it might be me)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteWoonique/pseuds/InfiniteWoonique'>InfiniteWoonique</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bun in the Oven [16]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety, Babies, Blood, Childbirth, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Family, Heartbreak, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Hurt, In the first chapter, Insomnia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mpreg, Preemie baby, Pregnant Lee Donghyuk | Haechan, Premature Birth, Triggers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:07:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,048</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28636800</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteWoonique/pseuds/InfiniteWoonique</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark and Donghyuk had been looking forward to their baby for months, but never did they think they would be meeting them so soon. And now they have to adjust and learn to be parents to a very sick baby.</p><p>Or</p><p>Donghyuk goes into premature labor and he and Mark go through the complications along with their baby and the hardships of such a difficult situation</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bun in the Oven [16]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1159835</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>there's a star that comforts you (it might be me)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer/TW: </p><p>There is a lot of blood in the first half of the first chapter</p><p>There is a lot of physical, emotional, and mental pain </p><p>Please, if you are not comfortable with any of these things do not read, or, read at your own risk &lt;&lt;&lt;333</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was one of those nights that Mark wished he could preserve for all time. His heart was pounding against his rib cage in the most content of flutters because he had no complaints about his life's events. He stood there in the nearly complete nursery he had been building for months with Donghyuk at his side and it sent a shiver of pride up his spine, looking forward to the future and all it had to offer with his husband. They were going to have a baby joining them in roughly eleven weeks and it was hard to wait that long for someone Mark already loved so much. He was so impatient to the point that he was preparing for their arrival as early as possible, hence the nearly finished nursery in their apartment. He and Donghyuk had spent hours building it from the ground up and it was so very nearly perfect for their baby. </p><p>Slight correction, <em>Mark</em> had spent hours building the nursery from the ground up while Donghyuk mostly watched from the sidelines. Donghyuk didn't do much these days, he isn't allowed to, not with how his pregnancy has developed and all its complications. </p><p>Donghyuk was one of the less fortunate ones when it came to growing a baby. The first half had been wonderful, both their eyes full of stars at the prospect of them creating a new life together, a life they both desperately wanted in their home. They had enjoyed every little change and Donghyuk had a clean bill of health up until he hit twenty-one weeks when it grew more difficult. He'd started cramping constantly to the point he had to vomit from the pain and his once occasional spotting grew steadily worse and heavier, alarming the both of them and causing an emergency hospital visit. The worst ran through their heads on that day, unsure of what was happening to Donghyuk and their baby. It was terrifying, to say the least. </p><p>He'd been diagnosed with placental abruption. It happened to every 1 in 100 expectant parents and could be easily treated, but Donghyuk was a worse case and he needed constant monitoring and strict bed rest. It was frightening having to deal with something like this and Donghyuk was constantly on edge. There was no enjoying pregnancy for him; those days had passed. And even though Mark felt similarly, he couldn't help but admire his husband's efforts. He was doing his best in every aspect and they'd gone so far because of that. They were waiting it out until at least thirty-six weeks, only seven more and they would be entirely in the clear for induced labor if needed. It was relatively close considering the time they would spend actually raising the baby but it felt like it was forever away. Both Donghyuk and Mark wanted so badly to hold their baby already, but development, especially lung development was important for their baby's survival. They could wait a little longer for them, and the pair could do that by distracting themselves with other baby things. </p><p>Mark did his best to distract Donghyuk the most he could and that often led back to the nursery preparations. Since Donghyuk couldn't move much with the threat of straining his compromised body, Mark did most of the work, executing the vision of the nursery Donghyuk had from his rocking chair placed in the corner. It was never a burden. Mark would and wanted to do anything if it made Donghyuk happy. Seeing his husband's smile repaired any doubt in his heart that this had a possibility of ending badly, that they would possibly end up with broken hearts. Those fears flew out the window when Donghyuk's bright smile was present; it fixed a world of hurt. </p><p>Donghyuk was enthusiastic about the nursery building process, correcting every little detail to his liking. He had just asked Mark to shift the changing table further down the wall and closer to the crib so when they would need to change diapers in the middle of the night the transfer would be a short distance. And then they could place the rocking chair next to the table for the same reason. This was why Mark needed Donghyuk in the room with him, otherwise, he wouldn't have considered proximity to everything else in the nursery and placed things willy-nilly. It would be an unorganized mess, and one that Donghyuk would demand be fixed. </p><p>With the changing table in its final resting place, hands on his hips as Mark stretched out his back, he thought they could start filling the drawers with all the necessities required and maybe even place folded newborn clothes in the lower drawers. That was something Donghyuk could do and something he would love to participate in. There wasn't much else he could do, but at least it was something fun. They'd chosen gender-neutral colors per Mark's request since they chose not to discover the sex until the baby was born. There were a lot of yellow and purple sleepsuits and outfits flooding the closet. They didn't have room for all that they had collected over the past few months and needed to reserve some room in the changing table drawers to fit them. They had every size ranging from newborn to 8 months in their inventory, so hopefully, they wouldn't need to buy more clothes between now and then. </p><p>Mark moved to grab those boxes full of yellow sweaters and purple rompers when he was stopped in his tracks. Donghyuk had spoken up and what he proposed honestly shocked Mark, "I think it's time to go to bed. I'm exhausted," Donghyuk claimed as he carefully lifted himself from the rocking chair he had made himself comfortable in. Mark was quick to bolt to his side, gently helping him up onto his feet so he didn't struggle on his own, "I need to lie down for the night." </p><p>It was understandable when you were pregnant and high risk, but it was seemingly out of nowhere. Donghyuk had just been speaking to Mark with excitement, talking about the spinning mobile he still wanted to hang over the crib and the kind of curtains they still had to buy. To take a 180º turn and cease his spontaneous planning within minutes was bizarre, but Mark wasn't going to question him. If his husband was tired then he was going to let him go to sleep, "Alright, we did a lot tonight," Mark smiled, a hand finding its way to rest on Donghyuk's round bump. The feeling of his baby against his hand, even when they weren't moving, was magical, "All that excitement tired you out, I see," the smile he omitted was of pure love for the younger, letting him know it was okay. He understood, and he'd prefer Donghyuk rest when he needed to rather than push himself. </p><p>"Yeah, it definitely did," Donghyuk shrugged with his short reply and a weak smile, turning over his shoulder slowly and waddling out of the nursery. </p><p>Something wasn't right, Mark knew it. Donghyuk was unusually quiet when he was typically loud and outgoing. Mark knew Donghyuk for years, they'd been married for three of those years, and not once had he seen Donghyuk answer a question of his in such a way. There was no sass, no emotion to it, just blank and short. It had him skeptical, but he chose not to address it at the moment, instead following his husband and keeping silent. He didn't want to stir anything in case Donghyuk was in a bad mood, a somewhat plausible reason for his changed demeanor. There was a lot that went into growing a baby, and Mark wasn't going to pester or upset the younger when he was doing a lot of work to do so. </p><p>The walk to their bedroom was short since it was luckily next door to the nursery. This didn't leave much time to talk if felt prompted, and Mark was trying to hurry ahead of Donghyuk so he could get them both ready to sleep, "I'll grab our pajamas if you want to sit down," he offered, not wanting Donghyuk to move much more. His doctor had assured that moving was okay as long as it was in small increments and recommended that Donghyuk move only when necessary. Walking to and from the closet when he could instead sit was preferable to Mark, leaving him to grab their belongings. He was happy to do so, and he emphasized that by placing a kiss on Donghyuk's cheek, feeling his warmth against his lips. It was comforting. </p><p>"Okay," Donghyuk easily complied with a slouched spine, veering to his side of the bed. That was bizarre too. Donghyuk would insist he could do anything on his own and didn't need Mark's help, especially with something as mundane and manageable as grabbing soft pajamas from an eye-level shelf, but he was acquiescent this time. He must have been utterly exhausted to give up so easily this time. </p><p>Mark shook his head and decided to release the thought from his mind, continuing with his actions. Worrying wasn't going to do either of them any favors and it was just going to annoy Donghyuk in the end, or worse, stress him out as well. He might as well act as though there was nothing different between them and play the dutiful husband card. </p><p>Mark grabbed what he needed, bottoms and tops for the both of them, even grabbing a pair of the fluffiest socks Donghyuk owned so he could wear them to sleep. His feet froze cold fast at night, something about lack of circulation in his legs being the cause. Donghyuk's sock collection grew rapidly over the past few months to keep him warm, a basket full to the brim with them pushed against the wall by the closet door. Mark made sure to match the outfit from top to bottom to keep his own mind at peace, a small detail Donghyuk would barely notice if he was as tired as he was letting on. He would notice the next morning, refreshed and more awake. </p><p>Mark exited the closet and found Donghyuk standing by their bed on his phone. He looked deep in thought as he scrolled through whatever browser he had open, his free hand resting on his lower back and arching his spine to help ease his strained body. The stance made his belly stick out further and it made Mark's heart flutter, momentarily forgetting his worries. That was their baby in there. Wow. It made his heart soar in adoration. </p><p>The two changed together, Donghyuk ultimately letting Mark help him get dressed when he was taking far too long to get himself decent. He was lethargic too as Mark noticed, moving slow and hesitantly as though it was difficult. Mark was growing increasingly worried but he wasn't going to ask anything just yet. If things continued in the way they were, he was going to say something and figure out what was wrong in a way that suggested he was just asking Donghyuk out of the goodness of his heart and not anxiety. This was not the Donghyuk he knew, it was almost as though he'd lost his spirit. He'd been so cheery before, he wondered what changed that besides the exhaustion. </p><p>"I'm going to go take my contacts out," Mark announced as he grabbed both their day's clothing to throw them in the dirty laundry hamper. His eyes were starting to itch, evidence of his own fatigue after a full day of working and readying the nursery. Donghyuk hummed in response, not much of an answer but Mark didn't need one, "Try to lay down on your own and if you need help, I won't be gone long," he smiled softly, taking a step forward so he could place a chaste kiss on Donghyuk's lips. Donghyuk kissed back, warm and soft, a little bite to it as well. That stamped Mark's anxiety slightly, thinking that maybe Donghyuk really was just exhausted. He turned on his heel and left towards the en suite with more confidence in his step. Mark did what he needed to do and placed his glasses on his face, leaving to return to his husband. He expected Donghyuk to be in bed, at least sitting on the edge and waiting for Mark to help him get his legs onto the mattress, maybe even starting to notice the color of the socks he had on his feet, but what he found brought back on the onslaught of anxiety that was fogging his head. </p><p>Donghyuk was pacing back and forth from one side of the room to the other. Not only that, but he was holding his back with one hand while the other dragged by the knuckles on the room's walls for support, a grimace staining his face. He looked uncomfortable and that was never a good thing when you were high risk, "Donghyuk," he watched as the younger straightened up stiffly, hand dropping and grimace disappearing as though there was nothing wrong. He hadn't even noticed Mark enter the room until he spoke up, "Are you doing okay?" Mark asked before he could even think about it. He could feel his heart start to pick up the pace, creeping up his throat. Donghyuk was acting this way because of the baby, there was no doubt, and that idea planted a seed of fear in his brain, growing worse until the roots were plunging into his chest. </p><p>Mark watched Donghyuk try to fabricate a lie, evident by the way he hesitated and his mouth quivered. Mark had known there was something wrong, he shouldn't have tried to ignore that. Now he wished Donghyuk would just tell him instead of letting him figure it out on his own. </p><p>He needed to ask about this, there was no avoiding it now for Donghyuk's sake. This was not normal, "What's wrong?" Donghyuk stood there, a fake and amused smile creeping onto his face in an attempt at feigned normality but Mark wasn't having it. </p><p>He hoped giving the younger options would speed the process along until they were at the truth, "Is it the baby? Are they moving too much? Is it your back? Are you hurting?" he asked in rapid succession, rushing to his husband until there was barely any space in-between them. He rested one timid hand where Donghyuk's had been on his lower back and the other held onto his wrist that was previously holding onto the wall. Mark's grip was firm against Donghyuk's hand, not wanting to let him go. In moments like this, Mark felt the need to push until there was something concrete that he could help fix. If Donghyuk was hurting, he wanted to help ease that pain with everything he had in him.  </p><p>"It's nothing," Donghyuk answered with a sharp huff, shaking his hand so Mark would let go, not particularly wanting to be touched and coddled at the moment. He recognized his error then and found himself a bit too late. Rejecting physical affection was not the way to convince Mark that there was nothing out of the ordinary. In an attempt to rekindle that affirmation, Donghyuk stepped forward and leaned into Mark as though he was initially shaking him off so he could properly hug him. The older gladly held him, going as far as wrapping both arms around the younger to keep him close. It made Donghyuk physically uncomfortable in the confines of his husband's arms, but he had to pretend for now, "Really." </p><p>"Are you sure?" Mark asked, entirely unconvinced, and Donghyuk knew his disposition. He wasn't putting up that great of a show, but it was hard to when he could barely focus. Donghyuk settled for a half no half shrug, head bouncing underneath Mark's chin. He could try to convince him, but there was no use at this point, "Are you <em>sure</em>?" he asked again, trying his best to get the answer he wanted. </p><p>Donghyuk desperately didn't want to worry Mark more than he was worrying him now. He could see it in his eyes the anxiety and fear that was starting to take over, and he wanted so badly to appease that disturbance, but he didn't want to make it worse. Contemplating what he was experiencing now, it was going to get worse anyway, so he would have to ease into it so as not to overwhelm Mark all at once. </p><p>"My back is hurting a bit," he admitted hesitantly with a heavy sigh, removing his face from Mark's neck so he could face him properly. He could note the look of relief in Mark's features but there was still a lingering fear as well. Donghyuk shouldn't have let it go on this long, he should have been honest from the start. </p><p>"That's it?" Mark asked, sounding a little less tense, "Just your back?" one of his hands found its way to Donghyuk's belly and rested there affectionately. Whether he was aware of it or not Donghyuk wasn't sure, but he watched as Mark's eyes never wavered on his. He was so attentive and caring and it was hurting Donghyuk's heart after what he had been avoiding all night. Mark just wanted to know and he wasn't letting him know. </p><p>Donghyuk glanced down at his bump between the two of them, deriving comfort from it as he tucked his hand under the swell as though keeping the baby close. He needed some strength and confidence to confess today's secrecy, "And I'm cramping a little, in both my back and legs," he paused, gauging Mark's reaction. It remained unchanging so as not to alarm Donghyuk, but he could see the dark sweep over his eyes. The only physical change was in the way he was biting on his bottom lip, a nervous habit he had when he was concerned, "And I was spotting some earlier, so it might just be my iron levels all out of wack," he felt a weight lift off his shoulders now that he wasn't holding his truth in his chest, but he wasn't looking forward to Mark's disappointed reaction. That was going to hurt his heart further. </p><p>"You didn't tell me you were spotting," Mark sounded shattered, features melting into a sad frown because Donghyuk always told him when he was spotting. That was something he wanted to know was happening, "Was it a lot?" his other hand wrapped around Donghyuk's waist, wanting nothing more than to hold his husband tightly. </p><p>"A little more than usual, since I was up and down all night and morning," Donghyuk defended himself with a sheepish and shaky voice. His incessant need to pee was all too demanding at all times of the day and night with how much water he was drinking, on a neverending cycle of getting up and down to relieve himself. And Baby had been active last night, leaving Donghyuk restless, tossing and turning to find a comfortable spot. Considering all the factors, there was expected to be blood first thing in the morning but that didn't make it any less scary. Donghyuk always feared seeing his own blood, "I was kind of expecting it." </p><p>"Then why didn't you tell me if you knew it was going to be that way?" Mark asked next. He had been aware of Donghyuk's frustrations last night since they slept in the same bed. Whenever Donghyuk woke up, Mark did as well. The older of the two had done his best to offer Donghyuk some comfort but that ultimately led to him stressing out more. He had told Mark over and over again how he should be asleep, he had work in the morning, but Mark insisted it wouldn't be a bother. His presence made it harder for Donghyuk to find any semblance of rest, but neither could do anything about it. Exhaustion eventually took them out, but Mark had a feeling that Donghyuk had been dealing with far worse than he realized, "I thought you'd gone the whole day without anything showing up," he'd been hoping that was the case. </p><p>Donghyuk felt his heart ache. He'd broken the trust they'd built between themselves for years just because he didn't want to worry Mark, "I hate worrying you, you know that," he sounded sheepish and nervous, "And since that hospital visit, that's all I've been doing to you," Dongyhuk reminded as though it were a fact, sounding defeated and upset. One hand reached forward and grabbed onto the hem of Mark's shirt, twirling it in his fingers to help with the anxiety clawing at his lungs, "You were in such a good mood today that I didn't want to worry you when I <em>usually</em> get like this," Donghyuk started shifting his weight from one foot to the other as the cramping was returning with a vengeance. His eyes were downturned in shame, guilt wracking his thoughts. He was worrying Mark now and it was killing him. </p><p>"Donghyuk you don't get like this. Ever," Mark reminded, feeling his leg start to bounce in anxiety, "You have fairly consistent spotting and cramping never bothers you enough to have you walk around. And here you are, pacing and cramping all over. It's weird," Mark stated with a frown. He wanted plausible answers, he wanted a solution. </p><p>"I <em>have</em> been like this before, you know that," Donghyuk defended himself, recalling the days at the beginning when he would need to go on walks around the neighborhood to hopefully ease the aches in his body. One fateful walk was followed by the first bleeding that scared both of them to the point of tears, fears of losing the baby clouding their thoughts. The start of it all. </p><p>"But not for a long time, it's been months since you've had to walk around just to feel better," Mark removed his hands from Donghyuk's lower body in favor of cupping his face, comforting Donghyuk into realizing that wasn't something they should brush off, "Do we need to go to the hospital?" he finally asked, thinking that was the best solution to their predicament, "Just to get things checked out? It's better to be safe than sorry," especially when it came to their baby. </p><p>Donghyuk's eyes grew wide, fear settling over his mind. <em>What if he really did need to go to the hospital?</em> "I don't think so," his mind told him, leading him to say it out loud, "I'm not in any immediate danger and it's too late anyway. We'd have to go to the emergency room just to wait for hours until someone comes to get us. It'll take forever and that will be miserable," Donghyuk reminded, convincing himself that he should wait until the next morning, "I'd rather sleep and then go in when people will readily see us," he stepped away so he could look back down at his bump. Their baby. </p><p>Donghyuk was stalling. In reality, he was afraid of going to the hospital. He hadn't told Mark that before. He hadn't meant to develop this phobia, but after being told that he had a placental abruption, he felt like it was his fault. Going to the hospital as little as possible was his unintentional goal in hopes that it was just a small thing, that he was doing alright despite his diagnosis. Going to the hospital meant his body wasn't doing what it was supposed to and that was a stab in the chest. He didn't want to go, besides, he wasn't spotting a scary amount. He was doing just fine. </p><p>Mark sighed. He couldn't force Donghyuk to go, and if he was so insistent then maybe he should listen, "And you're sure? You're sure the baby is okay?" he settled, still reminding the younger that it wasn't just him he was worried about. There was the baby involved, the one who needed the most monitoring and the one to worry about when there was any significant bleeding. Mark felt momentarily guilty for guilt-tripping his husband, but there was a lot to worry about. He didn't want to make Donghyuk nervous, that wouldn't help anything. </p><p>Mark looked terrified and Donghyuk felt guilt stir in his gut. He didn't mean to worry him so much, "We're okay," he claimed with a hand resting on Mark's cheek, but Mark could see through it, he could see the uncertainty in Dongyhuk's eyes. But if Donghyuk was going to insist that he was okay, Mark wasn't going to press any further. He didn't want to overwhelm him. The two of them were as bad as each other, just going back and forth, "Just very uncomfortable and achey at the moment." </p><p>Mark nodded and offered a weak smile knowing there was nothing he could do now, "Then why don't you try laying down. It'll probably help stretch your back out, and I can always give you a massage if it'll help," Mark proposed, gently guiding Donghyuk closer to their shared bed. He just wanted him to sit and try not to move excessively, anything to stop any further bleeding that could occur. Donghyuk wasn't supposed to be moving this much. </p><p>A massage sounded tempting, but Donghyuk's back was still cramping, pulsating to his thighs, and lying down would make it worse. He needed a few more minutes to get to a point where he wasn't in agonizing pain before lying down, "My legs still really ache, and I want to keep walking around until they stop, maybe stretch them out a bit more," he smiled weakly as he removed himself from Mark's gentle hands, placing his own hand on his lower back to maybe ease the ache. It didn't help. </p><p>"Okay, do what you need to do," Mark nodded supportively although hesitantly, moving to his side of the bed that was farthest from where Donghyuk was standing. He watched as Donghyuk started his pacing again, careful and aimed as he continued to keep his balance by grabbing the wall. Mark thought a few more minutes of slowly pacing back and forth in their bedroom would be okay. It wouldn't make a huge difference in Donghyuk's routine, and he was going slowly enough that it wasn't waving red flags in his brain. Donghyuk would be in bed soon enough and he could really work his magic and help ease the pain in his back. And hopefully, Donghyuk could get some much-needed sleep. </p><p>Only, a few minutes turned into an hour and Mark was none the less appeased by the younger. Not only that, but Mark swore Donghyuk was getting worse. He was getting visibly more uncomfortable and stressed as time passed and it was horribly concerning. Every now and then he would momentarily stop to give his legs a rest, but those rests were happening more often and were lasting longer. He was supposed to be laid down and settled by now, but Donghyuk refused to stay still and Mark had had enough. </p><p>Mark cleared his throat to speak but he never got to it before Donghyuk was interrupting that thought while resting with his arms braced against their bed, head down and hips swaying, "I think we should go to the hospital now," he grunted as he straightened back out, one hand holding his belly and the other rubbing at his back harshly, as though trying to work a knot out, "It's not easing up at all and we should probably see what's going on. To be safe." </p><p>Mark was surprised in all honesty. He hadn't been expecting Donghyuk to suggest it all, thinking he'd have to be the one to coax his husband into leaving. Then that meant something was wrong. Really wrong, and neither knew what, "Okay," he began, still processing his next move, "We can do that," another second of stunned silence, "I'll start packing a bag in case we have to stay overnight," Mark jumped out of bed and scurried around the room, grabbing an empty backpack they'd planned to use as a hospital bag but neglected to fill with anything yet. He wasn't sure what to pack, his brain was all in a fog. Worry was driving his every move because both his husband and baby weren't doing well. </p><p>Once a little more clear-headed and with Donghyuk sitting on the bed per Mark's request, he made sure to grab only comfy things for Donghyuk. He chose soft and stretchy clothes for him to lounge in and for when they had to return home the next morning or day, depending on what was going on with him. Neither knew, but Mark was hoping it wasn't something that would require a longer stay and more monitoring. Being in the hospital was nerve-racking and he hated visits like these. </p><p>"I'm going to change before we go. Do you want to?" Mark asked once he finished packing the makeshift hospital bag. He looked away from the bag after placing it on the bed and was met with Donghyuk's eyes. They had that thousand-yard stare, far away from where they really were and Mark felt his stomach stir, "Hyukkie?" he asked, gaining the younger's attention as he stepped closer and placed a hand on his shoulder. His frown didn't change, eyes confused and brows furrowed as he made eye contact with Mark, "Did you hear me?" </p><p>“I’m sorry I," Donghyuk stuttered, slowly getting up from the bed, Mark eventually helping him, "I have to go to the bathroom first. Before we go,” he stuttered, slowly walking towards the bathroom without another word, shutting the door behind him. That had Mark's stomach rolling in anxiety. He didn't sound okay and he wanted nothing more than to follow him, but he figured he would have to relieve himself and maybe it would help him out some comfort-wise. He wasn't going to hover like he'd been doing all night and give Donghyuk a few minutes to himself. </p><p>But yet again, Donghyuk was taking longer than Mark had anticipated. It had been a good ten minutes since he went into the bathroom and Mark was worried again. He wanted to knock and let himself in, but he also didn't want to bother his husband when he was having a moment of privacy. It was odd for him to stay inside so long without any word or update, but maybe he needed his time alone. Mark was giving him the benefit of the doubt. </p><p>He walked over to Donghyuk's side of the bed to grab the phone that was discarded there, knowing that his husband would want it to help pass time if they did have to stay overnight. But then he noticed something he hadn't before and he felt his throat close up and his lungs contract. </p><p>The duvet of their bed had a large mark of pure blood, no doubt from Donghyuk, but this wasn't like the usual blood that came from his body's typical spotting. When it was usually darker and thinner, this was thick, pure red blood, soaking further into the blanket. This was not spotting, and the realization hit. Everything and the whole night was starting to make sense. </p><p>Mark moved on instinct, barreling towards the bathroom door as though his feet were not his own, loss of sensation in his legs helping in the panicked endeavor. His mind felt separate from his body before he could even form a coherent thought. It was when he swung the bathroom door open that his brain caught up to his body, but only because his body froze in place, one hand gripping the doorknob and the other holding onto the jamb until his knuckles turned white. </p><p>He first registered that Donghyuk was crumpled on the floor on his knees, spread as though he collapsed from a once standing position. His hands were gripping onto the ledge of the sink as though he had tried to lift himself up but failed. Then he registered the sheer amount of red that was painted on the tiles below his husband and on the sink porcelain. Donghyuk was bleeding. A lot, and that was emphasized by the fact that it was covering his hands and arms, and soaked into the crotch of his sleeping bottoms that had been discarded to the side. The bathroom was full of red and all Mark could see was a warning sign flashing before his eyes. </p><p>Donghyuk whimpered in pain as he made eye contact with Mark, having his face previously hidden in his arm and skimming past the red painting his skin. His brows were turned down, a scared frown marring his features. The grimace he bore was showcasing the discomfort he was feeling as his body bled out and clenched tight in anxiety, rejecting what was happening to it. The fear in his eyes was heart-wrenching and Mark wanted to wipe that emotion away, restore them back to their once glimmering shine. The shine they held when he was excited about the baby and wasn't worried about outcomes like this. There was no sign of those eyes now; dark, scared, and glassy. </p><p>Neither spoke anything at first, eyes locked in a stare. This was the last thing either of them were expecting, especially after how careful they had been. They had been warned by their doctor that this was always a possibility when it came to placental abruption. They had been briefed over what to look for if it did arise as a problem, but neither thought it would happen this early. They had been so careful, had done everything they could to keep their baby safe. What happened? </p><p>Mark could barely formulate proper words, neither could Donghyuk, but the first thing that automatically left Mark's mouth was, "The baby?" careful and full of fear, shaky with sharp breaths. Of course it was the baby, but the smallest part of his heart was hoping this was a fluke and was just very heavy spotting, but his brain knew that was not the case. </p><p>Donghyuk knew that too as his eyes teared up rapidly and he started to bawl, hiding his face back into the protection of his arm. His hands clenched tighter around the sink ledge, knuckles stark white against the warmth of the red. His whole body started to shake, his heart shattering right before Mark's eyes. </p><p>Mark crashed to his knees beside Donghyuk, not caring to evade the spilled blood on the floor and instead focusing on getting to his husband. His hands weren't sure where to rest, wavering above his husband's body. He could see that Donghyuk was in pain and he wasn't sure if him resting his hand on any part of his husband's body would make it worse. He was terrified, he didn't know what to do. For the first time in his life, he didn't know how to act around his own husband. </p><p>Mark didn't have to think much longer about physical touch because Donghyuk made that decision for him by grabbing his hand, clutching so tightly Mark was sure his bones would break, but that wasn't his concern right now, "I'm going to call 119 okay?" his hand grabbed at his jeans pocket but much to his dismay, his phone was not in there. It was back on the bed, and so was Donghyuk's. He would need to get up and grab it but he wasn't sure if Donghyuk would let him go, "I need to grab a phone, I need you to let go of my hand for a second okay?" Mark spoke, voice shaking violently, head starting to hurt with the way his neck and body were tensing. He hadn't realized before but his jaw had been clenched, keeping his tongue from crying and screaming out profanities. </p><p>Donghyuk shook his head and clutched Mark's hand tighter, not willing to let go when he needed Mark there, "No," Donghyuk forced out, feeling the way his uterine wall was tearing. He felt like he was being ripped apart, his legs numb beneath him. He felt like he was dying, "Can't."</p><p>"I have to, baby. I have to call someone. We need help," Mark was growing frantic. Donghyuk was losing more blood by the second and that meant the baby was too. The anxiety was growing worse with every breath, the anxiety swirling in his stomach. He could feel it in his hands, struggling to hold Donghyuk's any longer, "I have to call or the baby won't make it. You might not either." </p><p>That was not a sentence either of them wanted to hear, but it was their reality if nothing was done soon. That got to Donghyuk though. It tore through his chest and into his heart and he knew Mark was right, no matter how much he needed his husband to be with him. He didn't want to be left alone, not when he was vulnerable and terrified. But they needed to call so they could save their baby. Even though reluctant, Donghyuk let Mark's hand go so he could clutch at his belly, the pain radiating through his abdomen and making him feel sick. He wanted to bend in half but if he did it would be an even worse pain. Mark hated seeing Donghyuk like this. </p><p>Mark moved quickly, grabbing the first phone he saw and dialing 119 emergency services. He was back at Donghyuk's side within seconds and Donghyuk was right back to gripping his hand in fear, needing Mark to stay put. Mark promised he wasn't going to leave his husband's side until they were being taken away to the hospital where they would save their baby. Their baby; they needed help. </p><p>Mark could barely speak on the phone without his jaw shaking, words jumbled as he spoke to an operator, relaying information as best as he could with how stressed his body was. He was a stuttering mess and unsure what details to relay because he wasn't sure himself. Mark did his best as he explained the situation, the timeline of events, and that they needed help right away. Help was sent immediately with an ambulance headed towards their location, but it felt like it couldn't arrive fast enough. It felt like every second was an hour, and it was more time for Donghyuk to bleed out and their baby to lose oxygen.  </p><p>Mark lost time so much time. He didn't remember much after the phone call. Donghyuk's pain grew worse as time ticked by and there was more blood pooling on the floor, now all over Mark's hands as they hovered over his husband's body. It was a fog, an expanse of memory he couldn't seem to recall no matter how hard he tried. All he remembered was paramedics kicking down their door and the rush to the hospital. There were flashes of red and screams of protest, Donghyuk's pain. Mark had been there physically, but not mentally. He was trapped in the catacombs of his brain preventing him from retaining traumatic memory. He wanted so badly to be present so he could comfort Donghyuk, but it wasn't an option for him. He held Donghyuk's hand; that was the most he could do. </p><p>Things started to clear in his head when they arrived at the hospital, the paramedics rushing Donghyuk down the lobby and halls on the rolling stretcher they'd left the apartment with. Donghyuk's screams rang in Mark's ears, finally breaking him out of his stressed induced trance and getting him to focus on current events. </p><p>The whole ride to the hospital, the paramedics kept careful watch of the baby. They'd needed to put a breathing mask on Donghyuk's face to level his breathing, something he had been struggling to control. A monitor had been strapped to Donghyuk's belly, keeping track of the baby's heart rate and oxygen levels. Mark didn't understand a lick of it and it wasn't until they were in the hospital that he learned the full story. He had been holding Donghyuk's hand and keeping up with the speed of the stretcher and team pushing it, but he was suddenly stopped before they could enter a room with several doors. Donghyuk continued forward and Mark was forced to stay behind. Their hands were ripped apart, followed by Donghyuk's distressed screams and Mark's heart stopping. A nurse had to calm Mark's own yelling down and explain what they needed to do. </p><p>But it all went right over his head. Mark was too focused on watching Donghyuk leave his sight on the stretcher, small body wrapped around his round belly as he grimaced and cried. His face was red and teary, fear taking over and encouraging himself to fall into that pit of despair. Donghyuk passed through a pair of swinging doors, a point that Mark wasn't allowed to pass.</p><p>Mark had known that since the abruption had been diagnosed that they would need a c-section scheduled, but to have it now, too early and under terrible circumstances, had his knees shaking and weak. So he finally let tears fall, shed for the fear of his husband and child not making it. His mind fell into a deep hole once again, spiraling into dread and dark. He lost time yet again, but for how long? He wasn't sure. To think he didn't want the night to end at the beginning of this all. Now he wanted it to end more than anything.</p><p>-------</p><p>Mark barely slept a wink that night. His brain was awake and his heart was racing, foot tapping as he waited time out. There had been nothing his body could do that would let him rest, nothing he had tried helped at all. The fear of missing Donghyuk waking up was at the forefront of his mind because he <em>needed</em> to be there when Donghyuk woke up. Donghyuk <em>needed</em> him to be there when he woke up. </p><p>Despite being awake for hours, time slipped by all too fast. Mark lost time since his brain didn’t process what had transpired properly. It left him confused and disoriented, and completely lost. He’d had so much time to think about it, process, accept what had happened, but he hadn’t allowed himself to do that. He wished he had, but it was too terrifying to do so. His husband had been in so much pain, and his screams were embedded into his brain. He didn't want to think about it further, he didn’t want to torment himself. It was bad enough seeing Donghyuk now, trapped in bed and as white as a sheet, wires flowing towards and away from his body, an IV stuck in his arm, and a cannula supplying him oxygen. The monitor in the room was beeping, keeping track of his heart rate and it was slow. Too slow and it was killing Mark. It had his skin crawling and the hair on the back of his neck rising. He felt sick to his stomach and things were starting to return to him. All that blood, all that pain…</p><p>And the baby. Mark hadn’t even seen the baby yet, he didn’t know if they were alive. He didn’t recall any information given to him about the baby and it had a different kind of fear boiling inside of him. Were they okay? Had it been a safe delivery? <em>Had they made it?</em> His throat went dry, praying to and begging God to please let his baby be okay. He hadn’t had the chance to meet them yet and God forbid he never see them alive. His hands started to shake and his head started to hurt, lack of oxygen making its way to his head. Mark felt like he was going to pass out, he felt himself spiraling further and it was scary.</p><p>But Donghyuk’s previously stoic features were now sharpening, creasing into a frown as he turned his head. It was small movement, but it was enough to distract Mark and let him focus on his husband. His own mental trauma was tossed to the side because for now, he had to comfort Donghyuk out of his anesthesia drugged state. He had to do it gently and carefully. </p><p>“Baby?” Mark whispered, sliding his hand easily into Donghyuk’s. His hands were cold and limp as though there was no life in them and it was concerning. But Mark continued anyway and squeezed his husband’s fingers. While the initial movement had knocked Mark from his mental anguish, it was Donghyuk’s hand gently clenching onto his that brought him back down to Earth. His vision cleared, he could breathe again, and he was able to focus in on the younger. </p><p>"Donghyuk?" Mark inquired quietly, keeping his voice low as to not startle his husband further awake. He understood the need for recovery but he so badly wanted Donghyuk to speak, say something to let him know he was okay, “Please wake up for me. Please.”</p><p>“Mark?” Donghyuk asked groggily, throat dry, voice weak. He had a splitting headache, his body was sore, and he needed water, but he was starting to come round and be more aware. Donghyuk was coming back. His eyes were finally starting to open, squinted as he tried to focus. Mark smiled, elated to see that his husband was awake after so long.</p><p>“That’s me, I’m right here,” Mark assured, getting out of his chair so his face was closer to Donghyuk’s. He didn’t want him to strain his eyes if it was hard to do anything, “I’m right here.” </p><p>Donghyuk groaned as he shifted his body, wincing once the pain was registering in his head. That was the first time he had opened his eyes and they were full of pain. Mark was quick to stop him, “Hold on, don’t move too much. You had surgery last night,” he laid a calming hand on Donghyuk’s chest, guiding him to lay still with no more chance of moving, “You’re supposed to be resting for now and laying still,” for good measure, in case Donghyuk was going to make better progress, Mark reached over and pressed the ‘Call Nurse’ button on the bed remote. If he was going to be awake he would need to be checked and Mark just wanted everything to be okay. </p><p>Donghyuk stared for a few seconds, eyes focusing on Mark the best he could. Eventually, he asked, “What happened?” the night's events had not flooded back to him yet, mind instead going blank. He didn’t even know most of the details and Mark would have to tell him what he knew. </p><p>“Last night, the placenta fully detached from your uterine wall,” while before it had been only been partially detached, “And your body went into shock and you were losing a lot of blood, so they had to perform an emergency c-section on you,” Mark glanced down to where he knew the huge incision on his husband’s lower belly was. He also noticed how much flatter his abdomen was since there was a lack of a baby. Natural birth had never been an option in their case. It was too dangerous for both Donghyuk and their baby, "And you had a blood transfusion done," he glanced at Donghyuk's arm where the bend of his arm was taped up. It had taken about three hours for that transfusion to complete and luckily it had been when Donghyuk was asleep, “You were in so much pain,” Mark gulped and clenched his jaw, watching as Donghyuk’s eyelids fluttered open and closed. He was still drifting in and out of consciousness. They were both exhausted, “But it’s all okay now. You’re alive and safe and I’m here for you, baby.” </p><p><em>Baby</em>. </p><p>Donghyuk switched to a completely different person in half a second. His once previously half-lidded eyes were now wide open, darting back and forth in search of his baby, “Baby? Where’s the baby? Where are they?” Donghyuk asked, growing more frantic as he looked for an isolette and sometimes darting to Mark’s arms to see if he was holding them, “Where’s my baby?” Donghyuk was starting to move, trying to sit up and throw his covers off, skin growing hot as his instinct to protect were out in full force. <em>He wanted his baby. </em></p><p>Mark had to hold Donghyuk down by the shoulders before he was dashing out of bed with needles and wires attached to his skin. He was going to hurt himself and Mark desperately did not want that to happen. No more pain; he couldn’t handle it, “Hold on, Donghyuk, you can’t be moving around. You just had surgery.”</p><p>“Where are they?” Donghyuk nearly shrieked, an unfamiliar drive in his eyes with one fist clenched on the bedsheets and the other gripping Mark’s wrist. He looked ready to pounce and kill but luckily, the nurse walked in at that time and rushed to the couples’ side when she read the room. </p><p>“Mr. Lee I need you to calm down,” she urged, placing her own hand on Donghyuk’s shoulder to hold him back, “You’re at risk of tearing your stitches, and you need to control your blood pressure,” speaking to someone of higher authority than Mark seemed to calm Donghyuk in the slightest but he was still unsure and stiff with anxiety. The heart rate monitor that was previously beeping at a rapid pace was slower now, filling the quiet room with rhythmic white noise, “You need to lay back and keep your head level so I communicate the best I can with you.” </p><p>Donghyuk did as he was told. If he wanted answers faster he needed to comply, “Where’s my baby?” Donghyuk asked, not breaking eye contact with the nurse. His chest was heaving, no doubt from a combination of pain and his near panic attack. It was a terrible thing to wake up and not being able to find your baby. </p><p>“Your baby is in the neonatal intensive care unit. Baby was losing too much oxygen last night when you came in and they wouldn’t have made it unless your doctors performed surgery to safely remove them,” Donghyuk rested a tender hand where he used to have a bump but found sore skin and pain in its place. It was a terrible feeling, “And your baby is eleven weeks premature so we have to keep them isolated and in intensive care until they are strong enough to thrive on their own.”</p><p>Mark wanted to sigh in relief but felt that he couldn’t. Their baby was alive, that was for sure, but life was already hard on them and that made his heart shatter into millions of pieces. He kept in mind that Baby was okay and they were getting the help they needed. It was still terrifying and he didn’t skim over the fact that their baby was eleven weeks early, but he had hope that things would improve, “Can we see our baby?” Mark asked, wanting to see their baby just as much as Donghyuk did. They both sounded like broken records. </p><p>The nurse understood; she had dealt with many families in the same situation. It was difficult to deal with but she couldn’t give in to these poor souls without proper authorization, “Before we do that I need to do a standard checkup on Mr. Lee to see how his vitals are before we decide on leaving this bed. It's up to the doctor whether or not he can actually get up and move around,” her voice was firm, not releasing her stance, "We'll have to take small steps to get to that point, and you'll have to be patient." </p><p>That meant more time without seeing their baby and it was painful. All new parents wanted to do was hold their baby, someone they had waited too long for, but that was not in their cards. It made their hearts ache for their baby, empty with the absence of their little love. Both wanted to fight for immediate connection with their infant but they both silently acquiesced and did as they were told. The sooner they complied, the sooner they could see their baby. Donghyuk needed medical attention too, and they both had to see that before they could see their newborn baby. </p><p>——— </p><p>The hallways were deathly silent and Mark could hear the echo of his footsteps bounce off the walls. When he had pictured the maternity ward before, he imagined a warm atmosphere with happy mothers, all smiling and congratulating each other on their babies and hard work. Mark imagined bright walls and a place that made you smile setting foot on the floor, but this wasn't even close to what he thought. The maternity ward was quiet and lonely, dingy, cold, and silent. He was sure they were the only ones on the floor, no other noise to be heard. They were physically alone in this matter with no other new mothers there to fill the void and it made the experience ten times worse with no support system within the walls of the hospital. </p><p>Mark walked close behind the nurse as she pushed Donghyuk down the hall. After they received the okay from the doctor they had readied Donghyuk so he could leave the bed and it had been a steady process. He was able to breathe without the assistance of the cannula but he still needed an IV attached to his arm. The blood transfusion required him to rest and stay hydrated, and it was risky for him to move around when they were depending on his body to adjust but there was no negotiating this. Donghyuk was entitled to see his baby and no one could stop him from doing so. </p><p>The doctor was with them as well, pushing along the IV pole so no one had to remove the needle from Donghyuk's arm; it was easier to keep in than making the transfer every time he left and returned. The doctor was guiding the group towards the neonatal intensive care unit with heavy steps, never finding this part of the job easy. They had been the one who performed the cesarean section and would be there for every step of the recovery process. The baby was going to be at the hospital for a long time and so familiarizing theirself with the case was going to be one of their top priorities. They were going to be working with this baby for a long time to come. </p><p>They all eventually arrived at the NICU ward of the hospital and it was even worse than the maternity ward. It was the same dingy paint job and was too quiet, and overall it was lonely. Imagining their baby staying here without them had their hearts racing terribly and thumping against their ribcages. <em>Their poor baby.</em> </p><p>"You'll need to put on these protective scrubs," the doctor informed as they passed the flowy garments to both Mark and Donghyuk. Entering the NICU nursery required proper protection to keep as sterile an environment as possible, "You won't always have to wear these but for now, and until Baby improves, you will need to as a protective measure," the nurse handed them both masks as well, just something else that will ensure the baby's health. Their baby was very vulnerable and susceptible to outside bacteria. Baby had immunity to build, but doing so now so suddenly would lead to complications. It was an unspoken fact but neither Mark nor Donghyuk needed to hear it to know. A preemie baby had a lot to go through before they would be considered healthy. </p><p>Mark and Donghyuk did as they were told, Mark helping a very fidgety Donghyuk into his scrubs as gently as he could. Donghyuk hadn't been able to keep still since he was out of the bed and in the wheelchair. It had initially been out of pain as he searched for the best way to sit and adjusted until he wasn't feeling his skin stretch and burn. The scar that now sat on his lower belly was difficult to adapt to right away and the pain was unbearable. But now that the pain had subsided, his anxiety was making him inconsolable. Mark felt his husband's anxiety in his own heart and it was enough to make him shudder in response, hands cramping up as he guided the scrubs onto Donghyuk's arms. </p><p>Mark and the nurse finished pulling Donghyuk's scrubs up and Donghyuk was able to put his mask on himself. Nothing about this was ideal. The pair wanted to feel their baby against their skin, feel how soft and new they were. They wanted to touch their hair and hold their tiny hands, but that was far from their current reach. There was nothing they could do except wait and pray and it was so unfair. They would just need to accept directions for now in order to finally meet their baby. </p><p>Mark and Donghyuk felt alone in that moment, lost and disoriented as they made the short distance from outside in the NICU ward hallways to inside the sterile nursery. It was bright inside yet gloomy inside with several isolettes lining the blank walls and all were empty except for one. Two nurses stood around the occupied incubator, hands making quick work with the baby that lay still inside. But that wasn't just any baby. That was Mark and Donghyuk's baby and they were so close. Mark pushed Donghyuk faster towards their baby because the time had finally come and waiting for yet another second to see their baby felt too excruciating. </p><p>Once at the incubator walls, the nurses parting to give them space, Mark and Donghyuk peered down at their baby and felt conflicting emotions. They were simultaneously relieved that they were alive while also being heartbroken at the sight of their baby laying there. Their image of their baby was vastly different from the little person that laid there. </p><p>Both Mark and Donghyuk had pictured a chubby baby, round cheeks with a round and full belly. They would have lots of dark hair and would wiggle their fists strongly in the air. Healthy and the perfect example of the baby everyone wanted. But what they found instead was a tiny and thin baby, propped up onto a pillow to support them and wearing a diaper that looked far too big compared to their body. Their skin was bright red and pale at the same time, hints of purple undertones as well. But even then, it was hard to see their skin when there were so many wires obstructing their view. They couldn't even see their full face. </p><p>Baby had a CPAP machine supplying oxygen into their tiny lungs that weren't developed enough to efficiently breathe on their own. There were so many wires attached with stickers on the ends, two of which were placed on both sides of Baby's chest. They needed their temperature regulated to keep warm, something that premature babies could not do on their own. They had a small cap on their head but both Mark and Donghyuk wanted to do better and dress them fully to keep them warm. If Mark would have to guess, he would say their baby could fit in doll clothes. They were so tiny he could fit them in his pocket. </p><p>"Baby is doing well, considering they're premature. They're having some trouble breathing on their own but that is expected of a baby so small," the doctor explained, looking over the charts that were stated on the whiteboard stationed right above the incubator. Nothing had changed since the last time they saw it and they liked to see that, "They weigh in at two and a half pounds and they're 15 inches long. A little on the small side but once they start digesting formula in their system it will help with weight gain," that was another complication with premature babies. Just about everything was harder for them, "We have them on a feeding schedule, but their stomach is still very small and can only eat so much at a time," the baby had a tube in their mouth leading to their stomach that was distributing food. It wasn't much but it was a start, "And for now, we're limiting contact until they're better adjusted to everything that has happened to them. It's been a rough last day for them." </p><p>Donghyuk realized something in that moment, staring down at his baby he had waited so long to see. Both he and Mark had been so focused on the health of their baby that they hadn't even been told what the sex was. They hadn't asked; it had just slipped their minds. And the nurses and doctor had kept gender-neutral pronouns when referring to them, just as he and Mark had since before birth. Seeing them now, after months of telling his OB/GYN he wanted to keep the sex a surprise, he could finally find out and it was exciting, but that excitement was drowned out by disquietude, "Are they a boy or a girl?" he asked, heart picking up pace at the prospect. He hadn't even looked up to address his doctor, not wanting to look away from them for a second. </p><p>"It's a girl," the doctor nodded with a weak smile. This usually called for celebration but celebrating wasn't customary when the situation was one like this. Happiness was hard to come by when confidence was shaky, "Congratulations."</p><p>Donghyuk wanted to laugh at his doctor's 'congratulations'. It was a joke because looking at his baby now so weak and so helpless had his chest constricting around his heart and lungs, making it hard to breathe both in and out. His little girl was here and he couldn't even hold her. If he was allowed to he still wouldn't because he was too afraid to. He feared hurting her and the idea of hurting his baby any further had his heart screaming in agony. </p><p>Donghyuk started crying, choked sobs muffled by the mask tied on his face. This wasn't fair, why wasn't he allowed to have a perfectly healthy baby? Why did both he and his baby have to go through something so traumatic just to meet? This was awful and it had Donghyuk releasing his deepest emotions. Mark watched as his husband unraveled in front of his eyes and it had him tearing up as well. He wanted to cry as well, but he was more focused on not letting himself go stress blind and have an internal panic attack. He would rather watch his daughter's small chest rise and fall with each artificial breath, focus on her small face, and watch as it moved in the slightest. She was asleep and doing her best to do so comfortably. </p><p>Donghyuk's breathing was starting to stall and his deep inhales were hurting the stitches in his lower belly. He was struggling to breathe, inhaling pain with each tug and trying to do so when he needed breath and it was agony. His nurse had to step in to prevent further damage, "Donghyuk ssi, I think it's best if you go back to your room and rest," he was still exhausted, that was evident, and she preferred if he wasn't overwhelming himself. If he continued on his path then they would need to take drastic action to calm him down, "You've had a very difficult day and you need to regain your strength for the new days to come," although, Donghyuk was going to be here for weeks possibly if he didn't improve fast. </p><p>The doctor agreed, "It would be best if we preserved your stitches and not cause a tear. And let your body adjust to the blood transfusion further," both would be nightmares if they were rejected and it was a hard fix to complete. </p><p>But hearing that Donghyuk had to leave his baby behind even for a few hours had him panicking and his breath picking up. The idea of leaving his baby so soon when he'd only been there for ten minutes was cruel to his heart. He would sit there for hours if he could, he could relax better if he was in his daughter's presence. He did not want to leave her, he never wanted to be away from her, "No, I'm staying right here!" he exclaimed firmly, not wanting to be too loud in case it startled his daughter. That was the last thing he wanted to do; stress her out. </p><p>"You need your rest, Donghyuk," the doctor reiterated, eyes darting between the two nurses who had been working with the baby when they had arrived, "If you want to recover. Being here with your baby may seem like the best choice to you personally but you need to be in your best health if you want to get any better." </p><p>"No! I'm staying right here with my baby," he stated, voice rising in volume, hands starting to shake and hold onto the incubator table to root himself in place, "I'm not going anywhere. <em>I'm staying right here</em>," the doctor opened their mouth to speak again but Donghyuk beat him to the punch, "You'll have to tear me away if you want me to leave. I'm not going anywhere!" his voice was loud and it was starting to wake the baby up, much to Donghyuk's obliviousness. She tried to whine, but her lungs were underdeveloped and the sound was too quiet to detect. </p><p>He was nearing hysterics and you could see the distress in his eyes. Mark could feel his own heart breaking just as Donghyuk's was but if there was any hope of his husband calming down, it had to be with his words and heart, "Donghyuk," Mark dropped until he was eye level with Donghyuk. He reached up and held his husband's face with his hands, gently forcing the younger to make eye contact with him, "You need to listen to me, and the people who are trying to help you. You need the rest and you need to go back to your room," Mark felt his throat dry thinking of leaving his daughter, but he knew she was in capable hands. He was exhausted and knowing his husband and daughter were okay, he felt more capable of sleeping and resting his overworked brain. </p><p>"But, Mark," Donghyuk huffed, eyes continuing to stream down his face. He wanted to continue but he couldn't find the words. He felt like a toddler struggling to speak words, and without the ability to properly communicate his feelings he was resorting to crying and throwing a fit. </p><p>"Baby," Mark interrupted, eyes soft yet sad. His own tears were threatening to fall down his cheeks, and Donghyuk stopped momentarily to absorb his expression. Seeing the same hurt had him stalling, "It's hard, I know," he did know. This was his baby too, "But she'll be okay. We have nurses and doctors with her and I have so much faith that they'll be here for her if she needs it," he had faith in his doctors but faith in her being okay was a little wavering. She was tiny and he wanted to be there to hold her hand every second of the day, "When you're doing and feeling better then we can come back and spend as much time as we want with her," he reached up and wiped a tear away with his thumb, "I don't want to leave either but we have to for now." </p><p>"But I can't leave her," Donghyuk rebutted, lip quivering as tears were continuing to stream, "I've left her for far too long already. It's been hours without me and she <em>needs</em> me," Donghyuk stated. He had been asleep for her first twelve hours of life and he felt so guilty for doing so. He should have been there within the first few seconds, but he hadn't, and he wanted to make up for that lost time, "Please, don't make me leave." </p><p>Mark felt his heart shatter for the second time that day. Donghyuk was so desperate and you could see it in his expressions. It hurt, a lot, but they needed to listen to the doctor and nurse and return to Donghyuk's room so he could rest. Mark let his tears fall, guilt creeping into his system trying to pull his baby's mother away. </p><p>"The nurses will watch her and she'll be okay," Mark repeated, holding back his sobs the best he could, "Her first few hours have been hard but the medical professionals will be here for her and taking care of her," they didn't need to be here but Mark wanted to stay here to stare at his tiny daughter, but he understood the need for rest. If anything, they were in the way of the nurses doing their job, "They're doing more for her than we can right now," he reminded, looking between the wires and the monitor recording her vitals, "Please, Donghyuk. We're probably stressing her out." </p><p>Donghyuk shook his head, "The nurses can do their best but that's not their baby. That's <em>our</em> baby," he looked back at their daughter, watching as her thin legs kicked, too weak to do much else. Momentary pride filled his chest. He had felt her move so often before but now seeing it externally was even better, "I want to be with my baby." </p><p>"And you will when you're better. It doesn't do her any good if she's doing her best and her mommy is hurting," Mark stated, choking back his shaky breath, "I don't want to leave either. I'm hurting just as much as you are, but we have to understand."</p><p>Mark was hurting terribly. Watching his baby struggle and watching his husband in physical pain had him spinning with a headache but in moments like these when Donghyuk was afraid and not listening, he had to be the one who kept a level head. He didn't want to leave his daughter but they needed to for now, "You can sleep for a bit and we'll be back, I promise you. Our baby girl needs us both in our best health and we both know neither of us are," both were exhausted and Donghyuk was in pain. They'd been better, "So please, don't make this harder for both of us." </p><p>Hearing that had Donghyuk understanding what they needed to do. He was exhausted, he knew his emotions were getting the best of him but he couldn't help himself. This was his baby and he didn't want to leave. He just wanted to hold her and hug her close and kiss her. He loved her so much and to see her so vulnerable was immensely challenging. But that wasn't an option for him right now and he had to leave and return to his room so he could rest his tired body. His hands released the isolette slowly, falling to his lap and clasped together. He slumped back into his wheelchair, face locked on his hands, avoiding eye contact with everyone, "Take me back then." </p><p>Mark nodded wordlessly. He didn't want to upset Donghyuk with anything more he could say. He stood up again, placed a careful kiss on the top of Donghyuk's head, and grabbed the wheelchair handles, ready to return to their room with the nurse and doctor following, pushing along the IV pole as they went. </p><p>Donghyuk cried the whole walk back to the room, unable to keep his internal agony to himself. He did his best to try and stop but that was hard to do when you were a parent with a sick child. Mark joined him, tears streaming down his cheeks as he watched his husband release his innermost turmoil. He spoke a silent prayer in his head, begging God for the chance that their baby was going to be okay and that she would grow up with them. He was terrified of the possible outcomes, but he was trying not to lose hope. Mark and Donghyuk had to stay confident that their daughter would make it. It would just take some time and a lot of patience. </p>
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